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| Time: | 10:35 pm. |
| Mood: |  hopeful. |
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Dragon tales and the Water is Wide
Pirates sail and lost boys fly
Fish bite moonbeams every night
And I love you
Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
The rocket racer's all tuckered out
Superman's in pajamas on the couch
Goodnight moon we'll find the mouse
And I love you
Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
SOLO
God bless Mommy and matchbox cars
God bless Dad and thanks for the stars
God hears "amen" wherever we are
And I love you
Godspeed little man
Sweet Dreams little man
Oh, my love will fly to you each night on angel's wings
Godspeed Godspeed
Godspeed (Sweet Dreams)
It's never easy to let go of dreams....such sweet dreams, may you pray for my next dream to come.
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I was walking out of the library today and as I looked over at the bench, I could've swore He was sitting there with his head down. Why is it I see Him in every hispanic man?
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I'm sorry its been awhile since I have written......lots of things going on. Im always crabby, but life has been indescribable! (in a good way though). I've been helping at the Uptown EB......so boring, i have about ten transactions per day! Ugh, and all that standing around. The bright side is that Ive been able to catch up on a ton of reading! yay! Im excited and so nervous.....oooh life, theres nothing like it is there?
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Joyus...........unhappy.......i dont know.......i asked for this......
I love cara and david so much, and I give them lots of love...........
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Thursday, July 10th, 2003
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Fine again
It seems like every day’s the same
and I’m left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there’s no color to behold
They say it’s over and I’m fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I’m dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I feel the dream in me expire
and there’s no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
‘cause I can’t seem to get this through
You say it’s over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I’m dying here
And I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well
And I’m not scared now.
I must assure you,
you’re never gonna get away
And I’m not scared now.
And I’m not scared now. No…
I am aware now of how
everything’s gonna be fine one day
Too late, I’m in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone’s gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything’s gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am fine again
Another Seether song quote;
She’s got nothing to say
She’s got bills to pay
She’s got no one to hate
Except for me
She’s got nothing but shame
She takes pills for pain
She’s got no one to blame
Except for me.
For me…
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So you like the way I look when you think Im nervous and uncomfortable?
Well, I like the way you look when you think you're in control
Because I can sit here with my evil grin on the inside while playing the kicked puppy on the out
But take what you can while I give you what you think is my dignity
Just remember that when you open your hand you'll have nothing but the piece of me that I thought was worth giving.......the stirring of the karma that can be nothing but bad
We all take what we can...you think
but I have to disagree
We are givin what we have worked for
and get what we deserve
and believe me
you will get yours!
Quote of the day:
"if karmas kills youd be the first to die"
Paul Ludemann......ha ha....yes you will
you write good lyrics, i would never call you a liar on this one!
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Sick.....ewww!
I feel icky, and I have to go back to work tomorrow. I watched a movie last night with Jena, The Good Girl, and then after she went to bed, I watched If these Walls Could Talk. I never thought i's be able to watch it, but I did. I had to cover my eyes through a lot of the stuff, but I made it all the way through...even without crying! Yeah! So Maplewood again tomorrow, and then until Monday. Ugh! I cant wait for a vacation! not until the second week of august though.
I scheduled a tattoo appointment with Aries for the third week of September....i cant wait, my wings.
Next step is posted today.......ANGER is the issue
Im suppost to write a letter to all the people I listed that I blamed in the last step. Me, John, Doctor, Roomies, Parents....I'm waiting to write this at a point that im the most angry because then I am least the most honest. We are suppost to write whatever we think and feel and this should be good because im always so scared of saying hurting things to people.
I think I'll get a start on the people that I blame the less and work myself up the "blame pyramid".
^
/___\
/john \
________
/ myself \
__________
/ Roomies \
_________________
/ parents \
_____________________
/ Doctor \
_________________________
(very sorry looking pyramid chart)
Statistic of the day;
"Less then 50% of drug addicts successfuly kick their drug habits.
Quote of the day;
If These Walls Could Talk . . .
"You'd know all about the tears I've cried When I lost hope, and no longer tried Always smiling on the outside When slowly dying on the inside And now, the pain's just too hard to hide If these walls could talk . . .
They would've lied!"
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| Time: | 7:51 pm. |
| Mood: |  melancholy. |
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So today was day number one at Maplewood.....Nine more days left. Twas great. Yup, I said great.
Its been hard lately....really hard. Just so much stress and not enough love I guess. Time goes on I see and so do these feelings I hope. I wrote another poem last night;
Its never the same around here
Never the way it was
When I was whole
And you were always
What I knew you to be
Now its empty
And life has left me behind
and the spirit
that I lost
and the space you have gained
its never like it was
with talks of dreams
and crystaled eyes
the dreams have passed
i paid for their loss
in a glass jar
no face no name no future
two are impaired
i will never forget
the day
I watched my dreams
die
"you are all I ever wanted"
The Ring.....Anna Morgan
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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
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| Time: | 11:00 pm. |
| Mood: |  stressed. |
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Okay today has been the crappiest day since....well...i cant remember.
At work, i was told today that I will have to move stores every week to every other week....no more permanent store. What sucks about this is the fact that when I went to my interviews they asked what I really didnt like about Gamestop and I told them that I didnt like the fact that they moved me around so much! WTF!!! They know this very well that I dont like to move stores. Also they had a few words to say about my work shoes and pants, yet for the past three months I have been wearing the same attire, which matches the dress code. I am very upset, Im going to start looking for a new job cos this is fucking rediculous.
Lou stopped by today and went on break with me...He was actually very helpful and supportive, a side I dont think ive ever seen...unless he was drunk. We talked for a long time then he took me for a motorcycle ride around the mall. I am scared to death of motorcycles, but I needed an accuse not to go back to work for another couple of minutes. I think maybe hes growing up a little bit.
John has been really nice and stuff....I just dont think he wants people to know that he has a girlfriend....I dont know....Im just being stupid I think....Its just the fact that he never writes about me in his livejournal....its always about the band....and he used to write about Ashlee all the time when they were together......Also, when I called him and told him I was having a bad day I ended the phone conversation with, "I love you", and all he could say was "okay". Yup, so i wonder why he can say it when no one is around,........but not when there are people.....I would be ashamed to admit that I was with me if i was him too, a band guy with a loser. Haha I get it.
The SRG boards are going well...done with part two called blame....next step is anger....ohhh! this aught to be fun!!
I hope i can find a job at a library, that would be a dream come true!
So another day, another day of feeling like shit tomorrow.....Yeah.
Well, I gotta go smell better and take me a little shower...I love Cara!! Yeah!!!
Quote of the day
"If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
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Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
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| Time: | 10:58 pm. |
| Mood: |  indescribable. |
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It was a wierd day......I actually woke up and worked a morning shift, and not only that, but worked the whole day...an open to close! I got home and recieved an e-mail I wasnt expecting, it was very good to read, I got many responses from "my story" that I accomplished thanks to John, and I have tomorrow off. It was an all-around good day. So as I sit here, I cant help but smile....Its the first euphoric feeling that I've had for a really long time, perhaps I shall have a beer!
Quote of the day.....
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself."
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| Time: | 12:14 am. |
| Mood: |  horny. |
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Yup, so Im finally In a new place......So happy am I. No more drugs, no more drama, and no more ten roommates. I live in a townhouse by the fairgrounds. It took awhile for us to get DSL so that is my reason for not writing. Life is uncontrollably funny or extremely low lately. Work has been nothing but fun, and home life with Jena, but outside of that all, its been confusing. It all comes down to "my story" that I have to write. Its crazy trying to remember and write about things that I intentionally tried to forget. Its been a drag on me but it can only get better.......you see there's lots of work to be done. I cant help but feel extremely optimistic, things are getting better everyday. I saw Cara finally since she moved, and I cant believe how much I missed her, and Paul for that matter. We had a good talk then I left...........The day went too fast, but its okay , Tomorrow is another day off.....
Quote of the day....
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying " I will try again tomorrow"
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These are some quotes I picked up from a few friends recently....
Love is beyond the label of an emotion. Unlike anything else in this universe it never dies
I learned that it is the weak who are cruel,
and that gentleness is to be expected only from the strong.
Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you
know they are always there!
"God forbid you ever have to walk a mile in her shoes; cause then you really might know what it's like to have to choose"
Now you had me on my knees
Begging God please to send you back to me
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep
You made me feel like I could not breathe
Now all I wanted to do was to feel your touch
And give you all my love
*
Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
You did then, what you knew how to do.
When you knew better, you did better.
"My spirit danced with yours for a short time. but the song will remain forever "
"Healing takes courage, and we all have courage. Even if we have to die a little to find it...."
"When is the age, where even the moment, we go from being kids to being... something else? I mean so much can happen in a year. People say that we're growing up too fast today. Sometimes adults make it sound like it's our fault, or at least our choice. But how can we not? We feel invisible, and we know so much. One thing I do know is that we're so eager to lose our innocence and I wonder if one day we'll look back and wish we hadn't."
Hopefully some of these quotes will help you a little as they did to me.......have a good day......
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COMA WHITE
Something is cold and blank behind her smile
She's standing on an overpass
In her miracle mile
(coma):
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
A pill to make you anybody else
But all the drugs in this world
Won't save her from herself
Her mouth was an empty cut
And she was waiting to fall
Just bleeding like a polaroid that
Lost all her dolls
(coma):
"You were from a perfect world
A world that threw me away today
Today to run away"
A pill to make you numb
A pill to make you dumb
(chorus repeat)
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A day off.......finally......ahhhh..........relax.......try to enjoy the rain........try to enjoy anything.........and everything.......these only come every five and six days out of the week..........its times like these you learn to live again........its times like these you give and give again.......its times like these you learn to love again.........its times like time time again.......thank you foo fighters for this "mornings" quotes..........i think cara would appreciate them
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I called in late today,.........I was almost ready for work, I wasnt feeling any worse than usual, I just wanted that half an hour extra to "hang out". Jena and Lisa moved their stuff out today, I cant believe its almost time to get out. I know I will miss a lot of the good times we all had here together. Now it will be a drag, life that is. I will be loosing a lot of friends that I hang out with daily, and I will loose almost all of my time that I get with John. Im sure he's happy though, he'll have time to have his space, and If he wants to do something whenever he wants, he wont feel guilty for doing it. I'm sure everyone will forget about me, not like they would completely forget about me, but just forget that Im still living....... I'm sure I'll be busying my time with baby-sitting and giving rides to AA. I'll be hanging out with my cousin who is sixteen and a little dramatical at times, and my aunt and uncle who are both police officers. I cant wait for the one o'clock curfew again and the rule of having people over only if my door is open and if they leave by ten......oh the joys of feeling like I am sixteen again......booooo!!! Jena and I were suppost to be getting a town house but it looks as if someone else got it. Talk about feeling fucking low.....im sick, stressed, and frustrated......what a deadly combination. My friend Mike, who I met at gamestop a long while ago, who I hung out with and played shrink with moved back from DC and Im stoked, the only problem is that he got way fucked over by his girlfriend/(ex now?) and hes really depressed. Its hard to play shrink when I cant even make myself feel better. My social life is in ruins since Ive been so stressed, I just cant get myself to make time for anyone, not because im busy but just because its more convenient to make up lies about where Im at, instead of having to go and be a friend. I suck as a friend sometimes, like right now when im sick and I dont have much empathy left. I cant get into others problems before solving my own. I miss a lot of people and I think now when I move out I will be feeling really stupid for forgetting about all these wonderful people that really just wanted to get some coffee. Yes, the joys of being me.
So if john decides to move out early I want to go live with neal, cos he has his apartment for the rest of the month, but I dont know how great of an idea that would be................
Im delaying the inevitable......I hate that......everyone will say that it will be better than I think, but then i ask myself, "I wonder what time their curfew is"........yes, ahuh, you dont have one? Oh okay, well then...Fuck You!!!! Its only a month I tell myself, but then I realize how many times that is to have to drive around my cousins, how many nights Ill miss hearing the band, and how many nights Ill be sleeping alone cos there is no chance in hell i can have anybody over or have a sleepover somewhere else. I wish sometimes that I got the things I deserved for having such a crappy upbringing.....when is my time?
So a funny thing to think about for you all.....I was going to work today and I was stuck behind this really really slow car with nascar decals all over it......hmmmm....................
Wishful thinking???
I have to work tomorrow, but then i get 2 glorious days off to do nothing and tell people that i cant hang out with them because I will be way too busy. I think I will start packing the stuff I really dont need and bringing it back to my aunt and uncles house.....yeah.....
It would be so different if my mom still lived here, shes crazy but i wouldnt have a curfew...I would just be living with a strung out psycho......
Talk about being stressed....Im using the internet as a psychologist.....
Check out dailyconfessions.com cos its really funny and really sad at the same time.
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I like monkies,
.......Yes I do
I like monkies
.....How about you?
Im hiding from everyone
Im under a cave
but thats okay
cos I have pneumonia
......or SARS
so you shouldnt really miss being around me
........*cough....cough*.........Aha!
But if you do, then I wish you all the luck
trying to replace me
sick people should just hide
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Sometimes its the glory of life that makes it so painful
like the way that forgetting horrible things is not so much a blessing but a lose of someones life
why cant i remember
its like loosing baby photos in a fire
i dont remember a lot of it
its like i cant remember myself
i wonder if i loved him
i wonder if he loved me
i wonder if i love myself
i wonder if i loved the feeling of "being loved"
i dont remember me as a child and i dont remember what its like to feel loved by someone who just wants to love someone because they are a good person not because they really want to take something away
He took me
and gave me silence
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Im standing here behind this counter
wishing my name tag didnt exist
but it does
and the clock still reads
that there are two more hours
why must strangers know my first name?
They come in and I ask them how they are
they respond
im just looking
i only asked them something like human
and i get a robot response
but i really dont care what they're doing
as long as theyre not reading my name
Laughing at the wondering thought
what if customers had to wear their names
instead of me?
They would march in and I would chime
"hello bob how are you today"
and since i was directing a personal question their way
they would have to answer it like they mean it
if only that was the corporate way
What if i got paid hourly by parents
the ones who leave their kids for me to watch
Oh my, I would make close to twenty bucks an hour
to stand here and cover up my nametag
Perhaps one day in this god forsaken mall
someone will come in and ask me how i am doing
and ask me if they can watch my kids
(but it would be my cat)
and then as to be as nice as can be
they would stand before me
and say thank you
like i was a real person
i think i would let them know my name
but as i look over at the people
that hope i dont come over
and ask them how their doing
I realize that these people
dont care what my name is
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She read the lyrics over and over in her head, like they were the words of the bible and her a priest. They made sense, too much sense for her comfort that day. It was if the artist had read her mind and put the thoughts to words, something she could just not come to do herself. All the emotions and the inner thoughts of that day were sung out from the voice of an angel and the guitar chords of heaven. A tear came from the edge of her eye and landed upon the piece of paper that held her memories for her to remember and for others to understand. No woman in the world could ever tell you the pain, but this artist could make you try. Once again she read the words that gave her proof that songs are sometimes better than words;
I opened a bank account
when I was nine years old
I closed it when I was eighteen
I gave them every penny that I'd saved
and they gave my blood
and my urine
a number
now I'm sitting in this waiting room
playing with the toys
and I am here to exercise
my freedom of choice
I passed their handheld signs
went through their picket lines
they gathered when they saw me coming
they shouted when they saw me cross
I said why don't you go home
just leave me alone
I'm just another woman lost
you are like fish in the water
who don't know that they are wet
as far as I can tell
the world isn't perfect yet
his bored eyes were obscene
on his denim thighs a magazine
I wish he'd never come here with me
in fact I wish he'd never come near me
I wish his shoulder
wasn't touching mine
I am growing older
waiting in this line
some of lifes best lessons
are learned at the worst times
under the fierce flourescent
she offered her hand for me to hold
she offered stability and calm
and I was crushing her palm
through the pinch pull wincing
my smile unconvincing
on that sterile battlefield that sees
only casualties
never heros
my heart hit absolute zero
Lucille, your voice still sounds in me
mine was a relatively easy tragedy
now the profile of our country
looks a little less hard nosed
but that picket line persisted
and that clinic's since been closed
they keep pounding their fists on reality
hoping it will break
but I don't think there's a one of us
leads a life free of mistakes
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Something thats good always has an "only for a limited time" offer attached to it. So I was thinking today, has the good part of life already passed me and I just didnt recieve the flyer, or was I one of those people (like the ones that come into my store) that think that the limited time offer is just a ploy to give over more than you recieve. I dont know, perhaps life will always be like a retail mystery when you spend nine hours a day in a retail store.
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reian's journal
drained.
anxious.